A Walking Conundrum

I really dislike people, not because a human being has committed any sort of wrong doing against me, but I feel as if we are all just… problems. I simply feel as if our societal standards only provoke more useless troubles and that all the mainstream morals instilled by these standards are beyond pretentious.

Take my grandfather on my father’s side for example, my relatives did not place that many photos of my family since we are considered not as significant because of the penury of our circumstances in comparison to their luxury lifestyle. My aunt even had to showcase her daughters and their husbands singing at the funeral, just to reinforce as well as prove their supposed love for him. Not surprising how my relatives are arguing about who and who should get what portion of his inheritance. My grandma on my dad’s side even claimed that my mom stole the money she received during the funeral. Not only that, she told my mom, before I orated my eulogy, that I should glorify my grandfather by lying. During the funeral, my aunt even listed that everyone else has to go before me although I am technically the most important grandchild since I was more directly linked to him by blood as well as the youngest.

I guess I have been a bit disappointed that not many people believe that I have any goodness in me. I suppose I really did bear some love toward my grandfather although I carried little to no value in his heart. Considering the way he expressed affection to me and toward my cousins, I know, for a fact, that he did not love me that much. Funny how I did not receive any sort of recognition until the speech. Sixteen years just for a little respect. Honestly, I think that most of tears shed at the funeral were fake, because as soon as my relatives received the will, my aunts tried to put my grandmother in a retirement home to be able to utilize more of the money to their own benefits. I simply cannot comprehend why their main focus is just fucking money or their damn reputation.

My relatives on my mother’s side, on the other hand, does not demonstrate such corrupt actions for things such as power, respect, or wealth. In fact, I have been separated from them since the third grade. I tried to reconnect with them online, for a month, but my attempts were utterly pointless. In the end, I matter to them as an individual, but to them, my existence is less than a relative or friend. I am just another acquaintance.

Recently, I have been resenting school. Just talking about school brings this sharp wedge of stress between my shoulder blades. Everything seems like a competition to me lately. I really do want to succeed in school, but there is so much pressure on me to do well. I am even beginning to hate art and most things regarding school because everything seems to be measured in an indirect form of success. When I failed the permit test the day after my grandfather passed, my mom keep pushing me, telling me “Can you even pass it?”. Same with the CAHSEE. And now I have these bullshit tests, otherwise known as the ACT and the SAT. I really don’t want to give a damn anymore.

When people complain to me, I try to not show my annoyance because all it really is, is another juvenile drama. I admit I am being selfish for wanting people to fuck off, but most of my issues appear to just be people and all their self produced selfish desires. I resent people so much at this point, that I choose to not be friends with many people because they will be another problem. Even at this moment, I am just… another goddamn problem, but to myself.